maSIN LUST: HE WANTS REVENGE

My life began, like everyone else’s, in darkness. And in darkness is where it should end. My physical being and name was given to me on January 12. But that whole process is something I cannot remember. In fact, I can’t remember most of my child. All I can recall is my father being in the military and my mother well, being crazy and controlling. But I never saw it as her wanting to change me, I saw it as her just being my mom. It won’t be until later that I realize that I wasn’t good enough. I was feminine, skinny, and not into sports. My mother has certain ideas of how a boy should be. My dad is developing the same ideas. Although my dad took my side when I wouldn’t want to play sports, he would still be hard on me. One rule is that I couldn’t be afraid. But like I said I don’t remember much about being little.

Now that you know about my physical birth, I should start talking about my  rebirth. It all started with a music video. I was getting ready for school one morning and the video for I’m Not Okay(I promise) came on. It amazed me. The anger, the way they looked. It all just clicked. And I wanted more. I started to dress differently, how I wanted to. Not hom my mother wanted. I started listening to music more. I began writing and drawing. I felt more like myself everyday. Its like being reborn, being baptized in ink and fire. It felt great. Not that I wasn’t always different. I was the nerdy kid. Femenine, skinny and I always had my nose burried in some book. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends. Just a little group of mine, none of which I still talk to. It wasn’t until my coming out that people started talking to me. I remember when it hit me. I never really liked girls. Never had any physical or emotional desire to be with a girl. But I liked boys. I was gay, and that was that. I told the few friends I had, and naturally one of them spilled the beans to everyone else. That’s how the school found out. I was a wreck, I kept thinking that everyone would hate me. I would lose the friends I had.

But quite the opposite happened. People started talking to me more. They had questions. And the more we all talked the more friends I got. It felt great no longer being the nerd without friends. It was the same year I started caring about my looks. I got contacts, started taking better care of my skin. Thought about what I wanted to wear, all that stuff. It was also the same year I got my first boyfriend. I was so in love with him. But I was only good for one thing, taking off my clothes. So you could say that that is where a lot of my anger comes from. Most comes from my mom and dad, and the rest comes from the people that have fucked me over.

So 8^th grade comes along. Nothing of interest happened, except for meeting with my father. In between my parents’ divorce and the eighth grade, I didn’t get to see much of my dad. My mother fed me bull shit about him, and I rarely saw him. But one day my mother approaches me with some news. My dad would be going to Iraq for a year. She asked if I would like to see him, and I said yes. I couldn’t take the chance of losing my father. I wanted to hear his side of what happened. The meeting went well enough, he came home safely and I started spending more time with him. I realized that we have a lot in common. We have the same tastes and sense of humour. I also realized that I wanted to live with my dad and step mom. Ever since I had come out of the closet, my mom was a BITCH. But my dad and step mom only saw me. Not my sexuality. Not the fact that I wasn’t like everyother boy. But they saw me, and they love me. A lot of drama surrounded my decision to leave. Well technically I was kicked out. But that’s another story.

I spent my freshman year of high school caught in a custody battle. It had been a trying time, but we made it through just fine. Things with my dad are so much better. However it makes me sad that he couldn’t be around to see me change and evolve. But things are still good. I am surrounded with people that love me. I have an amazing boyfriend. I am happy.

I am happy.